Lilia Khousnoutdinová is a journalist, political scientist, ceremonialist, designer, and also a lecturer for women's circles. She is the author of many projects; Cesta Ectáze (online education for every woman), Ecstatic Travel , #jsemzenajsembohyne (charity project), Zenavzenu (the latest project based on supportive sharing of women from diverse industries and social backgrounds), as well as the collection Ženské příběhy and several other books.
Lilia, among other things, co-founded the first training for ceremonialists in the Czech Republic, where she focuses on developing female potential and the return of transition rituals.
Today, Lilia and I will talk about femininity, self-confidence, female energy, women's circles, but also about the competition and obstacles that women most often put in their lives.
Lilia, you are the founder of many projects. One of them is the inspiring, authentic and very personal collection Women's Stories and other similar books. What is Lilia Khoutsnoutdin's story and journey?
Women's Stories was the first book I compiled and published in 2012. But it is far from just my personal story. On the contrary, it is a collection woven from the very intimate confessions of almost fifty women. In the end, it turned out to be very inspiring for women in the sense that some things are really possible, but it also served as a support for those who felt that they were "the only bad and weird ones" and suddenly found out that this was not the case, because others had also gone through something similar. It is simply a fascinating and diverse palette of different women's experiences.
As for my personal story, it is of course also intertwined there, albeit in a completely minor way. And if I were to try to tell it in one paragraph, it would probably be impossible. Anyway, this summer, for my 33rd birthday, I am planning to publish a diary or notebook about the people, places and topics that have influenced me the most in my life. So, those interested can definitely get to know my story more closely there.
What does the word "femininity" mean to you?
That's a very insidious word. Often when we talk about masculinity and femininity, we tend to fall into a certain stereotype, that if I was born in a female body, I must be "someone." But I firmly believe that whether as men or women, we should have countless possibilities for who we can be and what we can do in life.
At the same time, femininity can be understood as a certain polarity or energy. Just as there is day and night, there is also male and female energy, or yang and yin, activity and passivity, mind and emotion, and many other opposites. For me, it is an interesting abstraction in the sense that when these two opposites come together in love, a certain creative force arises, which we see when a new essence is born in the form of a child. But I believe that the union of these two qualities is actually necessary for any creation. Whether people carry it in a female or male body or in some combination is really up to us.
At the same time, I think that femininity can be more closely associated with a certain caring quality. I note that this does not mean that it should be performed by people of biologically female gender. In any case, these “feminine” qualities, such as emotional care, care of the household, of the elderly, of well-being, of beauty in space, are usually severely underestimated in our society and I believe that there is a certain key to this. That if we could rediscover respect and value for these qualities, our lifestyle, both individual and collective, could be much more balanced.
You work with many women in your work. What do you think women fight about most often? And what obstacles do we as women most often create in our lives?
I consider competition or, conversely, sisterhood and support between women to be absolutely key themes of our time. Women, who for many centuries did not have an easily accessible opportunity to realize themselves other than through a relationship with a man, still to a large extent carry this imprint of the need to compete with each other, if I may put it not quite nicely as "females". This attitude is of course not healthy for us and I personally think that it results primarily from the history that we women have collectively gone through.
If we look at sociological research, Phyllis Chesler has done a very commendable job in this regard in her book Woman's inhumanity to woman . There she shows that women who tend to put down or otherwise terrorize others the most are usually those who rate themselves, their lives and especially, which is very interesting, their sex lives low. Based on this, it can really be said that higher satisfaction with one's own life is connected to more functional relationships with other women . The need to compete therefore often stems from a feeling of dissatisfaction or low self-esteem.
My personal experience is that when we build a so-called circle of sisters around us, women who support us, with whom we can be authentic, who accept us as we are and will hold us up when we fall, or conversely, joyfully and sincerely celebrate our victories with us, it is one of the greatest points of support that can be had in life. At the same time, I consider it a huge gift that can nourish us greatly. And I am not even talking about the fact that a women's collective can be a place for extremely creative and inspiring collaborations.
What do you think is the source of women's self-doubt?
Most of these questions stem from childhood. Few of us had an ideal family context. We usually encountered criticism, some perhaps very toxic, even from our own mother. Many women have never experienced support, appreciation or positive evaluation from a father. Then we entered a school system that constantly compares according to quite limited standards. For these reasons, it can often be difficult for us to find and create reference points for self-confidence, self-worth or the self-love so often mentioned today.
You write on your website: “Relationships with other women are the absolute foundation of what we as women can rely on. Good supportive relationships between women are necessary for the healthy functioning of society as a whole.” Why are female relationships so important to us?
I know from my own experience that if I have a group of women around me who support me, my capacity to withstand life's difficulties is many times higher. A women's circle is also an ideal place for relaxation. Here I can take off all my masks and just be myself. Here I see and experience that I can be accepted, loved and admired in my naked authentic form and at the same time, and this seems absolutely key to me, here I also receive honest feedback . It is here that I can rely on other women to always tell me honestly what they think and that they will not always just praise me and so-called rub honey around my mouth. When I make a mistake, they acknowledge it, but at the same time assure me that it is okay and that they still love me. The most valuable support does not have to be about praise at all. On the contrary, it can often be authentic feedback, which also includes constructive and loving criticism.
As for the social level, of course, when I have functional female relationships, I can lean on them in the most challenging times, which can prevent many negative consequences. Perhaps the simplest example in this regard is childbirth and the period following it. Namely, when a woman is locked in isolation, the beautiful miracle of new life can very quickly turn into a depressive nightmare. It is not for nothing that we are dealing with a huge incidence of postpartum depression in today's society. I myself am fundamentally convinced that when a woman has good community ties or this sisterly circle of women, many of these cases can be prevented, just by someone helping the mother, talking to her, giving her the opportunity to take a shower, because she will be burying the baby for a while. In my experience, very little is really enough. Thanks to this small support, the mother can then experience the postpartum period in its beautiful, gentle and fulfilling form, which of course has a long-term positive effect on both her and the child. So it's really worth supporting her to feel good.
How do women's circles or "sisterhoods" work and what can they help women with?
A sister circle is usually a place where a woman comes and goes through a program under the guidance of another lecturer. As a rule, there is a sharing of stories, of course in a confidential atmosphere, where nothing is brought out, where no one comments with unsolicited advice and the like. In short, we really learn to listen there and generally build sisterly relationships. At the same time, food is often shared there, or women create something together. In these circles, we can experience that supportive friendships between women can really exist and, based on this experience, start to spread these sisterly relationships more in our daily lives.
In this regard, however, the moment I come to a space organized by someone else and have three hours specifically to enjoy support, sharing, and creating, I am more likely to relax and really enjoy it, to gain strength and inspiration. In everyday friendships, on the other hand, it can be much harder to organize the time and space to really come together with this intention and for nothing to interfere with our meeting.
In addition to prenatal rituals, do you also offer rituals that help women in their attempts to conceive?
Rituals are different, basically there are three main types. The first are transitional rituals, such as weddings, divorces, the birth of a child... Simply celebrations that allow us to enter a new stage of life positively, in the context of gifts, blessings, good wishes and in the circle of those closest to us. Then we have seasonal rituals, which usually relate to seasonal cycles. Our ancestors, whether Celtic or Slavic, celebrated them a lot. The most famous include All Souls' Day, May Day or Beltaine, Groundhog Day, and Harvest Festival. They are opportunities for the community to come together and remind itself that despite various conflicts, troubles and quarrels, it basically has a common goal that unites it . In addition to being a great opportunity for celebration, these rituals also give us the opportunity to improve and strengthen relationships in our village, community. The last category is the so-called everyday rituals, which we can perform as part of regular activities. During nothingness, we actually find ways to bring a certain awareness, depth, and symbolism to the things we do the same way over and over again, or to support ourselves in more mundane tasks like starting or ending a project by adding a celebration to them. At the same time, these moments allow us to pause, get clear about where we are going, and why we are doing it. In my experience , such moments help us to focus and direct our energy effectively.
A ritual can have almost any intention, so a ritual for conception or blessing of conception also exists. It is just less common than, for example, prenatal, postpartum or wedding rituals. However, I certainly believe that a ritual can be very supportive in this case, if only because it often includes, among other things, sharing experiences, tips, tricks and advice from a wider circle of women. At the same time, there is of course also the awareness of the support of people from our surroundings, in fact a certain sense of belonging, compassion, which can also be very motivating in itself.
What do you think blocks feminine energy? Could it be the products we use?
I see two levels here. We can certainly talk about products that block our energy or that reduce vitality in general, for both men and women. We are talking about poor-quality food, about toxic substances that are used in more or less everything, from textiles to building materials. From there, it is up to us how we live, what we eat, drink, what we wear and whether we choose the better and healthier things for ourselves.
If we were to look specifically at women, one level lies in the questions surrounding what hormonal contraception and other types of hormonal preparations do to our cycles and emotions. However, this is a debate that I would rather leave to the experts... And as for some simpler matters, it is very treacherous in that whatever a person says, he unintentionally offers a certain stereotype of femininity. For example, we can say to ourselves that women could wear skirts more. But this is not always true, because some of us are really so-called "pants people" in our essence. For one, it can be a great revolution to allow herself to go dancing in a dress in the forest. This is exactly what the process of rediscovering her feminine essence can mean for her. For another, it will be crucial to allow herself to wear BDSM costumes, thereby opening up some taboo area of her sexuality, and thus better connecting with her feminine erotic energy. And for others, it may be a turning point when they finally start learning to shoot, which actually "unplugs" a certain part of their personality that was walled up until then and perhaps awakens their femininity. I deliberately choose somewhat extreme examples because I want to illustrate that from my point of view, there is no "right" woman or no "right" femininity. As I said, we can talk about male and female energy as certain abstract polarities from which the world is made. At the same time, however, even the so-called "feminine" energy can have an infinite number of different forms and I would not want to resort to any stereotype.
How would you explain the relationship between the moon and our menstrual cycle?
The average menstrual cycle has the same number of days as the average lunar cycle, which in itself suggests that there is probably some relationship. At the same time, we know that the lunar cycle controls the tides and has some influence on our emotions and possibly on other fluid levels than just the ocean. Most women observe the connection between the course of the lunar cycle inside their body and that in the sky. It is also natural for many women to menstruate on the new moon or the full moon, although this may not be the rule.
Many women also notice mood swings during their menstrual cycle, just like they do during their monthly cycle. I myself am fascinated by the possibility of mapping myself and creating my own cyclical map based on what I observe in my own behavior. Then I can tune in and plan my life to what I expect to happen in me. For example, if I know that during my period I tend to be exhausted and need more sleep, I don't plan maximum work for that period, but rather take time off. On the other hand, if I know that during ovulation I am communicative and enjoy attention, it is a great opportunity for a podcast, a performance or a conference.
What tips would you give to women to learn to accept their female bodies?
I think that accepting the body consists of two points. The first is the awareness of gratitude for the fact that the body works, that it is healthy or relatively healthy and for everything I can experience thanks to it and through it, whether it is touches, stories, visual images or even smells . It is good to realize that it is the body that conveys wonderful sensations to us here in this 3D reality and at the same time thanks to it we can get closer to other people, communicate, create relationships, intimacy.
At the same time, it's nice to step away from some strict definition of beauty, which I consider very harmful. I have nothing against decorating ourselves, nor do I deny that beauty has its value and is inspiring. In any case, once it fits into a certain box, it can become a coffin for many otherwise healthy and truly, albeit unconventionally, beautiful women . Therefore, it's good to break free from stereotypes and focus on the fact that diversity is a great gift. If we were all similar, it would be very boring here. I consider diversity, not only of our characters, talents, aptitudes and attitudes, but also of our physical forms, to be one of the most beautiful and inspiring aspects of our reality.
What women inspire you the most?
Of course, it is women that I like to talk about in the I Am a Woman project. In the first part, entitled I Am a Woman, I Am a Goddess, we discussed characters from Slavic mythology. But I also like prominent characters from other mythological stories. I also love interesting historical figures, which is what we will dedicate our next book, I Am a Woman, I Am Europe . It is dedicated to women who have significantly contributed to the history of our continent in various fields, from scientists, to artists, to queens and important warriors. What they all have in common is that they are unfortunately still very little known . Of these, I am personally most fascinated by the story of the Tuscan queen Matilda of Canossa . I also like, for example, the very controversial, yet powerful character Maeve, who appears in the early history of Britain. I am also fascinated by the story of Anne Boleyn, who, although she is not usually considered a significant historical figure, sparked the creation of the Church of England and also gave birth to one of the most significant queens in European history, Elizabeth I.
Of course, I am no stranger to contemporary women either. Among contemporary activists, the controversial writers Naomi Wolf and Rupi Kaur come to mind . I am glad that I can also say from the bottom of my heart that I am also very inspired by women from my own family, for example my great-grandmother, who not only survived the Soviet labor gulag, but also managed to build a very independent and dignified life as a single mother, which was almost unrealistic in the conditions of that time. Or my grandmother, a fascinating musician, conductor, violinist and later a music teacher, who showed me how art can become a tremendous support and inspiration in life...
What are you most proud of in your life?
I don't think proud is the right word. However, there are some moments in my life that I am really happy about. This applies especially to my earlier lectures in academia, when I successfully managed to connect intimate female moments with the seminar environment at the London School of Economics. For example, I decided to organize a seminar on the topic of orgasmic births. I believe that I managed to present it through academic terms and explain it in a language that was understandable to the department. Not only did I have a full hall and a long applause, but afterwards our older and very respected teacher came up to me and said, hats off, he really learned something. So, for example, these moments when I felt that I had managed to do something a little "impossible" or very provocative, I perceive them very positively.
Then there's all the feedback I get almost daily. Usually from women, but sometimes from men too, who say that a book, publication, program, or other activity I've championed or supported has really helped them in their lives . These are, of course, the moments when I feel that what I'm doing has meaning.
Do you have a life motto that you follow?
I used to really like to subscribe to a quote from Jalaja Bonheim: “ To hell with happiness, I want to live in ecstasy .” I certainly don’t discount happiness, but I also think that the desire for something that is a little less tangible is very natural to human beings. From my own experience, I would say that the essence of life is to love and create . At the same time, when we have the opportunity to express ourselves creatively in the world, from our authentic depths, and at the same time have loving relationships around us, whether family, friendship, or sisterhood, we can be deeply satisfied.
Otherwise, I would say that the basis of healthy functioning is the motto that " beauty lies in uniqueness ". And that through respect for the fact that we are all different, we can achieve peace, understanding, comprehension and also opportunities for very interesting collaborations in which we can complement each other perfectly.
Lilia charmed us with her uniqueness and the depth with which she beautifully captured the interview. We thank her from the bottom of our hearts for accepting the invitation and sharing with us a very interesting perspective on many aspects of the female world.
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